We all know one yeah?, it could be a work colleague, an old friend from school, or even a member of your family, extended of course, if you have an asshole living under your roof I truly pity you. Hey, after reading some of my posts you may think that I'm an asshole and if I met you in the street I might think that you are an asshole, it's subjective yeah. An asshole to one could be a 'great mate' to another. Sometimes an asshole personality will jump right out at you on your first encounter and sometimes it may just creep out slowly from them over time. Some lads have been known to be cool as fuck in their earlier years but then somehow along the way they have turned into assholes. The fact is, the world is full of them and we have to try and mitigate the effect these assholes have on our daily lives and well-being.
This post is a little bit about men being assholes and a little bit about men's health issues associated with your actual asshole, or more specifically, what comes out of it, 'it's a fucking shit show' as we say in work when things ain't going quite to plan.
Let's address 'men behaving like assholes' first shall we? Jedward are assholes, Jimmy Saville was an asshole, Politicians are assholes, Bankers are assholes, Hitler was a massive asshole and on and on we could go, there were probably Palaeolithic assholes who would club you to death when your back was turned so that they could nick your missus. Asshole Bastards.
Let's have a look at some of my most unfavourable assholes, hopefully, you do not see any similarities within yourself. You fucking asshole.
Smack my bitch up
Try smacking up this bottled blonde I dare you, she'll rip your fucking head off. Taken from the 2020 domestic abuse statistics in the UK, according to the Crime Survey for England and Wales, from March 2019 to March 2020, an estimated 2.3 million people aged 16 to 74 years experienced some form of domestic abuse. A higher percentage of adults experienced abuse carried out by a partner or ex-partner than by a family member. WTF.
If you are a wife-beating asshole then sort your fucking shit out. Acknowledge what you are, get help, learn to control those inner demons, find the root cause, was mammy mean to you as a child or something? Are you just copying your dad's behaviour? Whatever the reason, it would be a learned behaviour in some shape or form, therefore you can un-learn it.
Get off my arse
When I'm driving on the motorway, already above the legal speed limit as most normal blokes do, why would you (the asshole) think it a good idea to drive up behind me so fast that I didn't even see you coming in my mirrors, then proceed to manoeuvre your vehicle so close to my boot bumper that my exhaust fumes are discolouring your front number plate. I will move out the way when it is fucking safe to do so at my own discretion you dangerous prick, flashing your headlights and swerving left to right is a futile attempt to get my attention. I could not give a fuck if you crash and burn pal, but it's the likes of you who end up killing other people with your asshole behaviour. Pack it in.
We all know one of these assholes. If I'm having a private conversation with a mate or colleague and we are discussing a certain topic, this asshole will butt in from the other side of the room and start harping on about his expertise on the subject, how he's been there, done that and got the fucking T-Shirt. If you had 5 pints last night, he had 10. If you like Jason Statham films, he's met the cunt. If you mention Crypto Currency, he fucking invented it. I'm not actually talking to you pal, I'm having a private conversation, if I wanted your opinion on the matter I would have asked ok. The reason you are on the other side of the room in the first place is that the rest of us have strategically planned it that way so we don't have to listen to your 'know it all' constant fucking drivel. Stay put, stay quiet and stay out of others people's business.
Ok, that's enough of that, I'm giving myself a fucking nose bleed. I could go on, of course, queue jumpers, middle lane hoggers, dogmatic vegans, bullies, and the blokes who like to pick the rubbery green contents of their nasal cavities and wipe it on the walls of the public toilet, and always at perfect head height so you can't help but see the fucking snot. Assholes.
At this point, the more astute out there may realise that I am using the American spelling and not the British. This is on purpose as it fits nicely with the great song and video below from Dennis Leary, A song deeply embedded in my mind after first watching his 'No Cure for Cancer' stand-up video many many years ago. It was on VHS then but I do believe it is available on Netflix if you haven't seen it or fancy a re-visit. I think it's funny as fuck.
Let's move on then to your own specific Asshole, not the personality, but the chocolate starfish-looking thing around the back that you use to squeeze out a long one, a short one, a black one if you drink Guinness or worst-case scenario, a fucking runny one. I'm talking shit of course, literally.
Now don't panic, I am certainly not going down the road of advising manhandling your poo product checking for the fiber content and all that malarkey. But, there is a surprising amount of insight into how healthy your digestive system and consequent gut health is merely by how your shit looks, at a nice safe distance with appropriate nose peg if necessary of course.
The perfect shitting form should have the turd resemble a wet Otter slipping off the riverbank into the water below, a graceful fluid motion from start to finish and not too much fuss. If you find yourself sitting there for what seems an eternity, red in the cheeks, and you have the facial expression of a medieval surgery patient biting down on something, then that's not a good sign. You should not have to physically or mentally push the thing out. The flip side of that of course is the watery pissing out your arse scenario. If these things happen to you infrequently after perhaps a heavy session on the curry and booze, then hey ho, you can probably identify that it was just a one-off after too much excess. If your toilet time is like this on a regular basis, then somethings up and it needs addressing sooner rather than later.
The saying "What goes in always comes out" is not exactly true. Some things come out whilst some things are absorbed by the body, what comes out is the stuff that we either do not need or cannot digest, here's where it gets a bit tricky. Many things can cause you to have a dodgy bum, diet is the obvious one and if you are eating mainly processed food, laden with objectionable fats and sugars, man-made chemicals, and food additives, then your digestive system has a hard time working out what the hell you just ate. Lacking nutrients to be extracted into the body, this food-like stuff will pass through with no benefit to you at all and can actually be very detrimental to your gut lining over time. A big issue to be covered in another post.
Stress can also cause problems, especially if it is chronic or prolonged. That 'gut feeling' you get when you are nervous or anxious about something, perhaps public speaking for the first time for example. You might have experienced this yourself, it's real and shows how the digestive system is linked to your nervous system. So de-stressing strategies are important to encompass into your day. Not many people can relate to stress being the cause of their gut issues, but it can, and certainly doesn't help matters.
Mix the two together, elevated stress and poor nutrition, and you have a recipe for lumpy stools or disaster pants. Over a period of years, you can imagine how your body is going to start messing you around because you are messing it around, it's like payback time.
The answer is of course to get off the processed food train and bypass the rat race. Easier said than done. Have a look at this Chart from Bristol University, this was designed to get people talking about shit. Have a quick gander down the pan after you've done your business and compare it with the chart, don't drop your phone down the fucking toilet ok.
If you see anything in the red zones regularly then your health is not optimal and it's time to look into what's causing it.
Eating a diet full of naturally nutritious foods such as meat, fish, poultry, vegetables, and berries is a good starting point. There's obviously a ton of complexities surrounding the gut and digestive system, but you got to start somewhere. Don't forget quality mineral water high in electrolytes to wash it all down with.
Times up folks, don't forget the music video below, catch you next time Assholes.
Primal Health Coach.
"Be Happy, Be Healthy"
"Live Long, Drop Dead"
"My favourite all-time Asshole song of all-time mate" This one is for you Ceri.